My favourite thing in Los Angeles is to take a bus, for those of you who saw my show last year you will know what I am talking about. Me and the loonies get on just fine and dandy and the buses are chockfull of loonies.

On the 702 bus there was big fight between a wee man with a walking stick and a driver who wouldn’t ask young Japanese students to get off the disabled seats.
The lame man screamed at the driver “I hate communicating with strangers, you tell the fucking gooks to get off the seats meant for disabled people”

The Japanese students sat en masse passively, they didn’t even blink when the disabled man screamed again at the driver “Tell those impolite fuckers to give me a seat I fought in Vietnam and these fuckers remind me of the gooks”

I sat there gobsmacked.
The driver tried to pacify him “Sir, you have to stop that racist screaming, just ask the kids to move, it’s not my job to tell people to give up their seats”

The disabled man with the stick fell onto the floor of the bus; the Japanese students took pictures of him on their phones. That made him much screamier than ever. Finally an older man who was with the load of Japanese students came down and told them to move, but they wouldn’t move off the seats, they clutched their Hello Kitty purses and big bags tightly refusing to budge.

I got up (of course I did) and helped up the shouty Vietnam Vet (if he was that) I gave him his stick and got him to his feet. I grabbed the tee shirt of one big student on the disabled seat and pulled him off, he didn’t resist, and he glared at me and took a photo of my angry face close up. I stood on his ultra white sneaker. At this point you may ask ‘how did you know they were Japanese?’ which is suggesting am racist, but they had a big tourist banner with them which said ‘Japanese Student Group’ and that cut out the guessing for me.

The students then all moved as one big group and trundled up to the back of the bus, their impoliteness annoyed me and most the girls were wearing mini kilts…why? I don’t know is the answer.

The Vietnam man with one eye and a penchant for casual racism shouted ‘Gooks’ at them. “Hey man stop that” I said to him. He looked at me and screamed “lesbian Scottish bitch”…apparently all Scottish women were lesbians and if I didn’t believe him he said “just look at Martha Stewart!”
I didn’t know she was Scottish or a lesbian but I know she’s been in jail, so what the hell do I know?

Either way I made it to Venice Beach after a 2 hour train/bus trip and then sat on the beach sweated off my factor 30 sun block and managed to burn my face and the back of my neck. I look like a chip pan melted my face.

I spent a whole night swathed in Aloe Vera and that stuff is magical, then I swapped to Sudocreme and now look less toasted and more burnished.

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