Today is my mothers birthday. Her death anniversary is in 11 days. I haven’t gotten over it, not in the least. I loose my mind during this time. I don’t know how to cope. I desperately miss her. She was the light in my life. I have never felt the love she gave from anyone else on this planet and I miss her. I could sit here and write a post about my hurt, but to do that would probably unhinge me further. So instead I decided to remember her with the music that makes me think of her. She had a magical voice and use to sing in the church choir. She sang all of the time and the radio was an ever present thing in our lives. She is one of the halves of why music means so much to me.
Yesterday – Beatles
My mother would sing this song often. Several years ago my father mentioned to me that my mother had taught him the words to this song as his mind seem to drift somewhere else.
Reflections – Diana Ross & The Supremes
On day this song came out on the radio as we were riding in my aunts car. My mom turned up the volume and began belting out the song and dancing around in her seat. When the song finished she went on and on about how beautiful Diana Ross was.
California Dreaming – The Mama’s & The Papa’s
Part of my mom’s youth was spent in Allentown, PA. When I was still very young and my mother and father had broken up for a time she moved back to Allentown to sort things out and she did the "single mom thing". After spending the day moving into our new apartment she made us sandwiches and cokes and while we were eating the song came on.
Tears of a Clown – Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
My mother adored Smokey Robinson, she thought he was so handsome. I remember sitting at the dinner table doing my homework while she cooked and she sang to this song.
Dust in the Wind – Kansas
The first time I heard this song I was about seven. I was confused about the lyrics and asked my mother what did they mean by “dust in the wind”. She explained that the song was about our mortality and that god had made us from dust and how we will return to dust when we die. I cried and cried. I pleaded that I didn’t want to be dust. She smiled at me warmly and rocked me while smoothing my hair.
The Hustler – Willie Colon & Various
My mom and dad would tear up the salsa dance floor. My parents would sometimes take me to parties, I remember watching them dance all night, sweat pouring down them and my mother looking entirely beautiful with flushed cheeks as she would look my way to make sure I was ok.
Puerto Rico – Blondie
Another day we were listening to the radio when a Blondie song came on. She stood up and yelled, “I KNOW THEM!”. I had no idea who they were, she ran into her bedroom and came out with some pictures of Debbie Harry and other people, saying that she “hangs” with them. It wasn’t for a couple of years when “Heart of Glass” made me fall in love with it and I then became impressed with this fact.
Woman – John Lennon
My mom moved to Puerto Rico to live with my grandparents and me. A few weeks after she had moved in this song came on the radio. She stopped what she was doing and sat close to the radio. She began to cry and hold herself and rock. I never asked her why.
Everything She Wants – Wham
I had come home fuming because that day I was filled with junior high angst. I refused to eat and after trying to cheer me up, she started singing this song. She broke me down and made me smile. It was impossible not to smile at a grown woman with a brush handle for a microphone.
Cherish – Kool and the Gang
At this point my mom had been in the hospital for several months. My grandmother and I would visit her everyday. On this particular day, she was inconsolably crying. My grandmother got really angry and frustrated with her. My mother said looking at me, I haven’t cherished anything in my life and I have no life left to live. I can’t bear this pain.
Through the Fire – Chaka Khan
This song was the last song were heard together. She was packing up her things to come to NYC for special treatment and my grandparents were driving her to the airport. I had to go to school that day and so I ate breakfast as she packed. This was the last time that I saw her alive.